My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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