Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
