My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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