the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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