My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
