I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
