She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
