Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
