So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
