Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
