I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
