She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
