This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
