I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
