a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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