Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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