everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
