I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I think I died a long time ago.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
