True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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