I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
