im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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