just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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