Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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