how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
