Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So much rum. So many feels.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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