What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just googled if crying burns calories
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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