Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
zippers are such a cool invention
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
