if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
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