EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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