I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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