Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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