My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
