The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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