tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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