Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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