i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
