I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
