her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
