dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
