So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
