Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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