Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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