its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
