I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
