I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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