If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
