Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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