just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
