You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I want her autograph on my taint
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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