How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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