Umm I'm too high to move.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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