i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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