just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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