Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
try to milk me bitch
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
