I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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