I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
