i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
